I am in a constant state of wonder and curious about everything. My brain hurts. My eyeballs ache from looking up…to the side…and the other…down. Trying to figure out perhaps even accept…yes accept would be the miracle…as to how my mission to motherhood and to myself turned so wonky, stressful…not fun…sad even.
My oldest child is in his final year of childhood. Twelve. I have been a mother for twelve years. I have been a mother in mild to medium to full blast crisis mode from the time my son was three.
From the moment he was born he was pure perfection, a bonnie baby in every sense of the world, fed well, fattened up in all the right places, hearty laugh, slept great, loved his snuggles, his people and especially his folks. We felt the truest of loves, wild, reckless and no end. And all this loveliness repeated two years later when the most beautiful of souls came earth side to be part of our family, our daughter was born. My dreams came true. We were blessed. We felt it. We knew it. Smug parenting settled in…we rocked the early years. I declared myself a ‘baby person’, and loved guiding my husband through this uncharted territory. I loved watching my husband become a natural at parenting, a natural at supporting me and cheering me on.
There is no way ever I could have imagined how our lives would be so transformed.
Lets go back a little. Say my late teen to all of my twenties. On some level I was always day dreaming about having a baby, what my children would look and be like. I wondered what their interests would be. I couldn't wait to ‘dress them’ and decorate their rooms and make beautiful meals for them and read them all the books I love. For over 10 years I had invented the worlds most well rounded, smart, beautiful, fashion forward, creative, kind, loved by all, delightfully friendly children. They would be mine al mine mwahahaha.
Lesson. Children are not possessions. Period. They are not ours to project our needs and wants on to. They are beautiful free souls gifted to us to guide them on their earth side journey. The sooner you realize this the more free your soul becomes. No joke. Please realize this sooner than later. Trust me you want to. It’s finally happening to me. Each person that has been ‘called’ to mother or father a child is given the most unique and treasured opportunity to free a soul. We are all gifted children to learn lessons about ourselves, our beliefs, to challenge us, to help our souls, to figure out our purpose, to love like no other and to be loved like no other and in our case…to be the safe place for our children to fall…period…without judgement, hate or ridicule. Our hearts remain wide open and our arms outstretched to draw them back…always.
We were gifted a child, who is so sensitive, angry, feels he needs to prove him self and be this bravado tough guy, who can dish it but not always take it, sometimes feels life would be better without him in it, thinks everyone is against him, has learning disabilities on top of ADHD. Hate the label but it is what it is. A child who seems to have grown at warp speed, and who is wise beyond his years but innocent to the core. A child who stands out in a crowd with his tall, slim, muscular body, handsome face and his two different colour eyes. He just stands out. He seems to be at war with himself at all times then it translates to a war between him and I.
Him and I.
I made space in my body,
His heart beat inside me. ME.
His body passed through mine. Mine.
My body fed his body. My.
I did that.
I honestly do not know any other life changing, soul exploding force to take place.
I know his true self better than anyone.
The real boy is. Hilarious, self assured, creative, forward thinking, passionate, loving….so loving….physically gifted, thoughtful, helpful, curious, compassionate and kind. So kind. (these are the labels I can get behind) I am hopeful he will know this to be true. Otherwise I do not know how my husband and I have gotten through the last 10 years and more recently the last 4 months.
Here is the tough part. Wanting to share, write, reflect, support and de-stigmatize tough times in parenting/mental health issues and needing to protect and honour all who are involved. (even though I have talked with my family about sharing and getting the okay from all) It still feels so very raw and so very exposed.
But in my core,
my hearts desire,
I wish to envelope parents and loved ones who are going through;
soul shattering times,
feelings of failure,
grieving for your shattered expectations
and pure heart break.
I want to give hope.
The soul shattering turned to radiant souls emerging.
Lonely times turned to peace,
Feelings of failure turned to beautiful realizations,
Defeat turned to celebrations of mini triumphs
Sorrow turned to hope,
Anger turned to patience,
Utter rejection turned to an expression
Embarrassment turned to not giving a fuck what others thought,
Expectations turned to THE GIFT of Letting Go
and heart break turned to my hearts full, my hearts work, a new heart.
My parenting journey will never be perfect. Nor will yours….sorry…it won’t. Mine shifted when I finally shifted and started to do my life work of “being Me”…its an ongoing project of learning about myself, letting me be me, ‘owning my own shit’ (copywrite Kayli - Art Therapist), learning lesson after lesson until it sinks in.
Honestly, the biggest and most juiciest of lessons is really, really, really simple yet often very hard to do….ready for it? Allowing your children to be who they are. And, while your at it...afford yourself that same luxury too. There is no earth shattering philosophy it truly is that simple.