Letting Go - Flying High

I am in a constant state of wonder and curious about everything.  My brain hurts.  My eyeballs ache from looking up…to the side…and the other…down.  Trying to figure out perhaps even accept…yes accept would be the miracle…as to how my mission to motherhood and to myself turned so wonky, stressful…not fun…sad even.

My oldest child is in his final year of childhood.  Twelve.  I have been a mother for twelve years. I have been a mother in mild to medium to full blast crisis mode from the time my son was three.  

From the moment he was born he was pure perfection, a bonnie baby in every sense of the world, fed well, fattened up in all the right places, hearty laugh, slept great, loved his snuggles, his people and especially his folks.  We felt the truest of loves, wild, reckless and no end.  And all this loveliness repeated two years later when the most beautiful of souls came earth side to be part of our family, our daughter was born.  My dreams came true.  We were blessed.  We felt it.  We knew it.  Smug parenting settled in…we rocked the early years.  I declared myself a ‘baby person’, and loved guiding my husband through this uncharted territory.  I loved watching my husband become a natural at parenting, a natural at supporting me and cheering me on.  

There is no way ever I could have imagined how our lives would be so transformed.

Lets go back a little.  Say my late teen to all of my twenties.  On some level I was always day dreaming about having a baby, what my children would look and be like.  I wondered what their  interests would be.  I couldn't wait to ‘dress them’ and decorate their rooms and make beautiful meals for them and read them all the books I love.  For over 10 years I had invented the worlds most well rounded, smart, beautiful, fashion forward, creative, kind, loved by all, delightfully friendly children.  They would be mine al mine mwahahaha.

Lesson.  Children are not possessions.  Period.  They are not ours to project our needs and wants on to.  They are beautiful free souls gifted to us to guide them on their earth side journey.  The sooner you realize this the more free your soul becomes.  No joke.  Please realize this sooner than later. Trust me you want to. It’s finally happening to me.  Each person that has been ‘called’ to mother or father a child is given the most unique and treasured opportunity to free a soul.  We are all gifted children to learn lessons about ourselves, our beliefs, to challenge us, to help our souls, to figure out our purpose, to love like no other and to be loved like no other and in our case…to be the safe place for our children to fall…period…without judgement, hate or ridicule.  Our hearts remain wide open and our arms outstretched to draw them back…always.

We were gifted a child, who is so sensitive, angry, feels he needs to prove him self and be this bravado tough guy, who can dish it but not always take it, sometimes feels life would be better without him in it, thinks everyone is against him, has learning disabilities on top of ADHD.  Hate the label but it is what it is.  A child who seems to have grown at warp speed, and who is wise beyond his years but innocent to the core.  A child who stands out in a crowd with his tall, slim, muscular body, handsome face and his two different colour eyes.  He just stands out.  He seems to be at war with himself at all times then it translates to a war between him and I. 

Him and I.  

I made space in my body, 

heart, 

mind 

and soul 

for him.  

His heart beat inside me.  ME. 

His body passed through mine. Mine.  

My body fed his body.  My.  

I did that. 

I honestly do not know any other life changing, soul exploding force to take place.   

I know his true self better than anyone.  

The real boy is.  Hilarious, self assured, creative, forward thinking, passionate, loving….so loving….physically gifted, thoughtful, helpful, curious, compassionate and kind.  So kind. (these are the labels I can get behind) I am hopeful he will know this to be true.  Otherwise I do not know how my husband and I have gotten through the last 10 years and more recently the last 4 months. 

Here is the tough part.  Wanting to share, write, reflect, support and de-stigmatize tough times in parenting/mental health issues and needing to protect and honour all who are involved.  (even though I have talked with my family about sharing and getting the okay from all) It still feels so very raw and so very exposed.  

But in my core, 

my hearts desire, 

I wish to envelope parents and loved ones who are going through;

soul shattering times, 

lonely times,

feelings of failure,

and defeat,

sorrow,

anger,

utter rejection,

embarrassment,

exhaustion,

grieving for your shattered expectations

and pure heart break.

I want to give hope.

The soul shattering turned to radiant souls emerging.

Lonely times turned to peace,

Feelings of failure turned to beautiful realizations,

Defeat turned to celebrations of mini triumphs

Sorrow turned to hope,

Anger turned to patience,

Utter rejection turned to an expression

Embarrassment turned to not giving a fuck what others thought,

Expectations turned to THE GIFT of Letting Go

and heart break turned to my hearts full, my hearts work, a new heart. 

My parenting journey will never be perfect.  Nor will yours….sorry…it won’t. Mine shifted when I finally shifted and started to do my life work of “being Me”…its an ongoing project of learning about myself, letting me be me, ‘owning my own shit’ (copywrite Kayli - Art Therapist), learning lesson after lesson until it sinks in.  

Honestly, the biggest and most juiciest of lessons is really, really, really simple yet often very hard to do….ready for it?  Allowing your children to be who they are.  And, while your at it...afford yourself that same luxury too. There is no earth shattering philosophy it truly is that simple.  

Vive La New Years Resolutions...just kidding...I think you should delay them

Every January I start a new Journal.  I ferociously write my grand plans for the year, I write down every morsel I've eaten or drank for the day, how I feel, poems, observations, gratitude's.
And then I stop around the end of February.
Just like that,  done.
I have so many journals, with January to February entries.  Part of the Grand Plans, resolutions if you will, usually include cutting out Alcohol, gluten, dairy and coffee, watch less t.v., exercise more.  Always stems from the gluttonous November/December endless holiday celebrations and dinners, all the baking, rich meals, accompanied by glasses of wine and beer, and evening Bailey's or Harvey's Bristol Cream.

So really, half way between Christmas and New Years, I pretty much feel like a stuffed non-organic Turkey ready to hit the utility conveyor belt.  So making these New Years Resolutions just seems to make sense at that time.

This year started out very similar...resolutions set..... until about the 300th snow day in our Lake Effect Squall/Blizzard Vortex of Never Leaving this Town in Winter, Town.  I truly feel that I will never make a "New Years Resolution" again in January...again.
I needed a glass of wine or three on those long snow days, I needed a hot bowl of homemade cream of something soup and a crusty bun for dinner, every now and then, to warm my heart and belly, when the winds and snow just will not let up.
I needed t.v. during these months to numb my mind after obsessively checking the Weather Network Station, reading, researching, work, and all the things a Woman does.
Now the exercise more, is never a bad one, I am a big believer in daily exercise...just not always a great practitioner of such grandiose daily needs.  I usually 'up' my yoga practice, count sledding with the kids, walking the dog as my main movement breaks.  But sometimes a cuddle under the blanket, cup of tea and book seemed more important (to me) this time of year.

What I propose is from January to April first is your New Year "Prep" time.  Time to reflect, time to slowly detox from the mess of end of year shenanigans, time to regroup your thoughts and priorities, these are your winter months to take stock of your life and slowly implement, small, manageable positive changes.  Changes that won't overwhelm, changes that start feeling "right" and "easy".

Then April 1st, once the weather has broke and hopefully no more snow (but you never know) start kicking your plans into high gear.  Spring.  Everything is new and fresh, growing, stretching.  This is the time to implement all the amazing little things you 'prepped' for.  Time to shine. It just makes more sense in this time of year, and to be honest this phase of my life (what I like to call Early Mid Century).  April 1st is only 2 weeks away, I feel good(ish), I cut back on coffee, I've been juicing, yoga, writing more, t.v. a little less, cut back on gluten and dairy, drinking more herbal tea.

The next phase will come in September and this time will be a Winter Goal Setting Phase, I need to plan on how we will get through winter with a little more fun and a lot less S.A.D., I need to learn (and teach the kids) how to like, embrace, maybe even ...love winter for the rest of our lives.  (I'll let you know how that one goes) For real though, I think this is the ultimate Canadian Life Skill, and I have not mastered it.

So maybe this is my giant excuse post about all my New Years Resolution short comings or maybe, just maybe, its just, I have finally evolved and this is the year I've stopped putting so much pressure on myself to be this high performing superwoman, which I've never reached and never will and plus I don't even want to be that person anyway.  Whatever the reason, it's a new season and I'm feeling grateful and positive about life.  AND,  I'm really, really, really, looking forward to getting my hands in the dirt and start gardening (which equals exercising, right?), long sunshiny days and nights, sitting on the porch, riding bikes, and in this town our most ultimate prized possession, days at the beach on our beautiful Lake Huron.

There is a lake under all that snow.

Peace, Love and Light Always,

Marcia

The trouble with procrastination.

The trouble with procrastination.
It has come to my attention I am a champion PROCRASTINATOR.  I remember first being labeled as this in high school Junior High, by a teacher, my parents and self diagnosed from articles I read in SASSY, Seventeen and Cosmo, and I have been singing its praises ever since.  I never gave it another thought that I never was not a procrastinator.  Being a procrastinator has been my sparkly crutch for so long that I really know, no other way of life.  It is what it is and what it shall be.  

Paying bills...last minute or later (Sorry Procrastinator)
Last minute reserving for...anything, hotel, plane, restaurant...just squeak by the hair on my chinny chin chin (Sorry I'm a professional Procrastinator)
Filling in the countless forms for the kids school...ugh. (procrastinating)
Planting bulbs in September...OOPS...November...(procrastinator)
Company coming, known for a month, oh I'll wait till the evening before to grocery shop, laundry, clean, change bedding until the night before...(thanks but I was busy...procrastinating)

Don't get me wrong, things do get done...eventually.

Procrastinating is how I get stuff done.  Nice and last minute.  Just enough stress and adrenaline and fear of letting someone down, to get stuff done.

Here is something that I have come to realize about procrastination, sometimes it's just a fancy word for lazy.  And dude, sometimes a lot of the times I love to be lazy.  And guess what, I like it and it's okay.  Working full-time, with awesome, energetic, bundles of spirited 4-5 year olds is not lazy work, raising a family...not lazy work, being a good daughter, sister, friend and be fully engaged in a kick ass marriage...not lazy.  So I've decided, when I have a little free time, I'm giving myself permission to sometimes be lazy and celebrate in the awesomeness of that.

However, I am also, giving myself permission to let go of my label as a Procrastinator...starting tomorrow.

Love 
Marcia

Update from "Anniversary of Motherhood"

Update from my previous post: “Anniversary of Motherhood”

After I posted and put ‘it’ out there, I was feeling a little raw and exposed, but relief as well.  I was overwhelmed with the comments I received on Facebook, on the blog itself and many through private message.  It just solidified what I thought might be true…we are not alone, we are all in this together. I am happy to have started a little dialogue about some the struggles and the magnificent triumphs parenting our school age children have, this is something we can do with tact, honesty and integrity.  I just want to say a heart felt thank you to those that read my post and to the people that wrote me and exposed a little bit of themselves.  I feel blessed.

I had a long conversation with my son about my blog and the contents of my Anniversary of Motherhood post. He was so sweet and brave and said he thought it was cool.  He knows I like to help people and he felt good knowing he could help too.  I asked him repeatedly if he felt comfortable with me writing about him (and sometimes his challenges) and assured him if he ever didn’t I would take it down.  I also told him, I had received so many emails from people, some we don’t even know, thanking us for being so honest and that they feel the same or are going through something similar, he smiled and said “really, I did feel alone, that's awesome Mom.” 

I am so much more than a Great Mom (winkie face), and my blog will be a vehicle to my many clever&lovely interests, hobbies and loves.  As much as my kids would like my whole blog to be about them thats just not going to happen.  And, I made a promise to my kids that I would run by any post or picture that involves them to be personally hand stamped by them.  Such stellar kids.  

On a sidenote: The kids think I look old and mean and my neck looks creepy in my blog pic.  I told them I thought I looked artsy, brooding and thoughtful.  They stared at me and said, “uhhh No.” I guess that means I need a new head shot.

Love 
Marcia
XO

Anniversary of Motherhood

Yesterday I celebrated my eleven year Momiversary.  In more recent years I have thought why do the kids get all the celebration on the day of their birth, after all it is the same day a Woman is born into Motherhood.  And what a feat that is. The Queen of the family takes her throne and throughout her rein gets the heavy jewelled crown donkey kicked off her head many times.  Sometimes she is defeated, but always gets up, holds her head high and her family close. 

           

Mothering, for me, has a whole different meaning and perspective before having children and after having children. 

I worked as an Early Childhood Educator for about 11 years before I had children. I was given the beautiful, trusting privilege  to learn, inspire, help, facilitate learning, and play with so many 3-6 year olds, as well as support and advise parents on occasion, with parenting issues, children's behaviour issues, toilet learning, etc. And I gave it with confidence, I gave it freely, I felt great that in some small way I was helping families navigate through their journey.  After all I had studied it in school, attended yearly workshops, read every early years book I could get my hands on.  I was the perfect parent, before I had children, it was so easy to say what I would and wouldn't do when I had children of my own, or even better, what my children would and wouldn't be and behave like. Talk about a huge wake up call.  My goodness my socks could not have been knocked off farther.

The first time I realized this was shortly after my son was born.  We were in the second month of his life, he was a nursing machine, and I was in the throws of major exhaustion, yet completely overwhelmed with LOVE.  I remember a late night feeding, leaning back into the nursing chair, half asleep myself, and tears coming down my cheeks, and thinking who the heck did I think I was to even work as an ECE and claim all this expertise on Early Years and Parenting when clearly I know NOTHING….cry, cry, cry.  I remember silently apologizing to certain parents I may have judged (in my head), especially to one particular single mother, with 2 very spirited little boys, that I would wonder sometimes why she never could get her boys ears cleaned…years later realization…because she was TIRED, because she had to do EVERYTHING at her house, because some children are EARWAX MAKING MACHINES!  Actually all the single parents I worked with over those years popped into my head with more frequency when I was a 5-6 day a week single parent for the first 2 years of my daughters life and for my sons toddler/preschool years, my husband worked and lived out of town for those 2 years, I was alone.  I remember always having empathy, for those families and would never want that for myself, but, sometimes its just not a planned thing and everyone is doing the best they can with what they've got.  Even if you think they should do better or at least want to do better, know this, they are simply doing their best.  

“ One of the best thing for anyone to do for another parent is to feel empathy, send love and support, and wish them well.  A simple, effective, silent wish skyrocketed to the Universe.”

I felt like I was living part of my dream when the kids were babies, toddlers and even preschoolers years. I rocked the early years (for the most part) The baby years were my years, I loved labour and delivery, Loved nursing (once I got the hang of it), loved the slower pace of the day, loved the milestones, loved the cute cuddles and smelling the tops of there heads and kissing their chubby feet.  I was constantly amazed that I got to be a mom and these two are mine…just like that mine, I made them…I feed them from…my body….mind was blown daily because of these facts.

Once my children got older, things changed a little for me.  

For one thing I realized they are not mine, as in mine to own.  We are all our own person, free to be, free to think our thoughts.  These beautiful children that are brought into out lives are here for us to guide, support, love and learn from and visversa. We are each others soul keepers, life encouragers and lesson learners.  Not possessions. 

The affects of two years as a single parent (not saying this was the cause, more like it was the magnifying glass) wore thin, separation anxiety from their dad being away, reared its ugly head.  My sons, behaviours were getting harder to handle, and since he’s been 4ish…my parenting spirit has slowly broken down. 

Parenting for me teeters on pure enjoyment and wonderment and overwhelming love to utter devastation, feeling like a parenting failure and desire to live on a private island by myself with conjugal visits from my husband, oh, and a personal assistant to make me food, clean up after me and give me pedicures.

As a little guy some behaviours were in public, but most were in the privacy and safety of our home.  He has very high expectations, for events, for himself, for us, for friends, but generally doesn’t voice them until after a complete melt down. He is extremely sensitive to how other people are feeling, he can read a person or the people in a room, in a heartbeat…and his mood will reflect it.  At school he appears, calm, cool, collected, never showing how he is feeling, keeps it together the whole day…plays the role of a student, of a friend.  But one little thing someone said or did, or didn't do at school can easily snowball into an evening of hell for us, and him.

It has been a good six years (he’s now 11) of learning how to parent this sensitive, beautiful, funny, active, intuitive, moody, creative, smart child, and I suspect this learning will constantly evolve.  My son has recently been diagnosed as ADHD with Inattention, Learning Disability and Anxiety.  So yeah…this makes sense.  A big discovery for me…choke…is that I am very similar to my son, but I developed some coping strategies at a young age (because no one talked about it and/or recognized anything was wrong) and am still learning about myself, ALL. THE. TIME. I am tired.  I am excited.  I am happy.  I am truly blessed. I am thankful.  Thankful that my son has someone like me (and my husband) to accept and love him no matter what, learn with him and guide him, relish in his strengths and hold him up through his weaknesses.  Thankful he has my heart and I have his.

I know its getting more socially acceptable to talk about Mental Health but it is very hard to do.  There are so many initiatives out there to get rid of the stigma of mental health…yet,still very hard to write about, talk about when you are the one dealing with it so personally, its a window into your cracked life.  When you don’t want to single out your child who is learning to live and thrive with it. When it is yourself, some days, just barely squeaking by.  But it has to be talked about.  If you and your family are dealing with this in silence I want you to know you are not alone.  I slick on the lipstick, do my hair, dress for the day, look like I’m put together and most days this is the case but sometimes, I am undone, and completely broken on the inside and you would never know.  And that is how I deal.  

Parenting is not for the faint of heart and most likely nothing like how you expected it to be. It is so many things.  Some days are sooooo long, tedious, heartbreaking, exhausting, frustrating, boring, not boring enough…to absolute and utterly joyous, heart-warming, heart- melting, heart-stopping happiness and Love, those days go by too fast.  And for it not the two extremes (in my case) , a divine paradox to blatantly  appreciate every, darn thing.

So yes, on this Eleventh Momiversay of mine, I am going to celebrate with a Pint down at our local Pub, with my King and a couple of friends. Perch myself upon the throne (bar stool), affix my crooked, tarnished crown, and toast to my rein as completely flawed Mom to my kids.

Love
Marcia

Updated "Anniversary of Motherhood"

Lady Weekend

I have never been alone in my house for a whole weekend. No husband, no kids. For the first time in 7 years...7 years! I watched as Dalton and the Kids loaded up the Jeep and headed for London to spend time with Big Grandad and Auntie Anne.
Is it wrong I was a little giddy about it? Even if I was going to clean the house for a couple of hours. I got to clean it...and no one was there to drop a toy and leave it, mess up my newly mopped floors, dishevel their beds, leave Canadian Tire flyer's on my counter. It was glorious.
My dear friend Lisa arrived late Friday night, we drank wine, ate nibbles, and girl talked to late at night. Saturday we slept until 9 am, got the house ready for a wonderful workshop I hosted at the house. "Calm Mum", created and facilitated by Carol Peat and I implore you to check out her company Babies Naturally, yes even if your kids are 5 and 7. We can all use some guidance ie. "hand holding" and personal growth as parents education, and Carol is the person to do it, from preconception to teens. The workshop took place with 6 other women and I believe we all left better mothers (and daughters for that matter). In a perfect world Carol Peats workshop would be mandatory for all parents and grandparents, much like getting a drivers licence before you can drive. I feel refreshed as a Calm Mum, I'm going to trust my instincts and my children more, they know what they want and need and if we are patient, present and aware they let us know. I am going to try my best to not worry about what other people think of me and my parenting simply because "Their judgement/opinion of me and my parenting is none of my business." Don't you just love that? Lets write it again "Other peoples opinion of me is none of my business." Freeing...isn't it? and Breath.

So later that day Lisa and I took Trixie for a big walk at the lagoons, it was a lovely walk, crunching on leaves, sunshine and chatting. Oh and Trixie ate shit. How gross is that? I said "So that's what getting shit faced really is?" I can seriously crack myself up. I'm my own personal stand-up comedian.

Then...Lisa and I got gussied up and went out for a delightful dinner and wine at Tramontos then Guinness time at Hawg's Breath. Such fun with a dear friend.

On Sunday I slept till 11:00, hot damn that was nice. Then the kids and Dalton got back in the afternoon and I was soooooo happy to see them and smooch their spectacular little faces.

Have a lovely day,
Marcia
xoxox

This is me Happy

Under a red Kitty Cat Umbrella ella ella hey hey!

I feel joyful and happy. Nothing in particular, no massive event, no gifts on my door step. Just a feeling of happiness. Plain and simple...joy. Every now and then I like to "take stock" of what is going on in my life and really feel thankful for it. Yes, I still have a few things that stress me out but all and all a wonderful, fulfilling life.
Things I am thankful for in this moment:
a)A husband to love and loves me right back, something fierce comes over me when he walks in the house.
b)Two beautiful, healthy, energetic children so bursting with smarts, creativity and wildly funny personalities.
c)Getting to be with my children for the summer, beaching it,pipebanding, exploring and daytripping our way through the warm weather.
d)A roof over our heads, food in our bellies, a car to take us from A to B in AC.
e)A sister like no other, to share our hopes, dreams, laughs, triumphs and tribulations with.
f)My parents who live on the same street as me. Getting to "pop in" for a nice hot "cuppa" and a chat.
g)My girlish figure, witty personality and devilish thoughts.

There is a smile on my face and warm thoughts in my heart for you on this summer evening,
smmmmmmmoooooch,
Marcia

I'd like to thank my 1st grade teacher...and to all those who believed in me from the beginning...

Oh oh I am so excited...I have won an award!
My friend Lisa at www.thimbleberrykitchen.blogspot.com
honored me a few weeks back with an Honest Scrap award. For this I say "Merci Bonne Fille". Honest Scrap is blogger pat on the back by a peer or quite possibly it is the “friendship cake” of the blogosphere. Now, I need to share with you ten things you may not know about me, and nominate some other bloggers who I enjoy. I am a 'late bloomer' to the blogging world and have finally seen first hand what all the fuss has been about for the past 8 years or so. Two of the bloggers I would pass this award onto have already received this award but they are still my 2 main blogs I check out www.twwly.com and www.thimberrykitchen.blogspot.com but a third you may not have touched on yet goes to http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/. She is not a friend of mine and she live in Utah, but this mother of 4 is a true beauty inside and out, inspiration in its most pure form. With this award it is also my goodness given duty to reveal 10 little to unknown tidbits about me, so here it goes.

1. When I met my husband for the first time (a few years before we got together and he was with another girlfriend) He had long curly hair and was wearing tight bike shorts, I thought he looked like the lead singer from Haywire.

2. When I met my husband for the second time, I thought he was kinda cute but not my type.

3. Third time I met my husband. I fell in love and have never looked back. Moral of the story to all the single ladies, you have probably already met your future husband. *wink* *wink*

4. I like my kitchen all to myself. But I also like to bake with the kids. Basically I really don't like tripping over people while I am in the zone.

5. I was the "Face of '89". (Laughing right now at myself for posting this) I won a modeling contest in Ottawa held by BarrettPalmer Modeling Agency. I won $500, a free photo shoot, a house boat weekend on the Big Rideau, modeling classes, and signed on with BarretPalmer. One of the judges was Elmer Olsen from Toronto. It was fun. Look at me now world!

6. I moved to Kincardine for the summer,fall and winter of 1995 to work at TommyJohn's Bar and grill when it first opened. I even helped during the construction phase and my initials are engraved in the cement between the wood slates in the front entrance. After being in Kincardine for the winter I swore I would never live here again. Little did I know at the time it is one of my most favorite places or that I actually would live here again.

7. I love to sing. I have a whole set planned out and have for years that if I ever got the chance or nerve to go on stage it is what I would sing. The sad thing is I am one of those people you see on American Idol that you say "Didn't her parents or friends tell her she can't sing, oh this is horrible, the poor thing", except my parents have told me ;)

8. I LOVE Eagle Brand condenced milk on cornflakes. Try it. Delish and not so nutrish!

9. My Auntie Yvonne passed away with Cancer when I was 18. There is hardly a day she doesn't cross my mind.

10. I like big butts and I cannot lie. Seriously I love rude crude songs about butts, ie. Wiggle it just a little bit.

Please check out the blogs I awarded, you may have to put them in your search for I have trouble making the linkie ma bobbers work.

Thank you Lisa...I'm back
Marcia

Lovely Little Hands

Lovely Little Girl

I woke up today in one of my most favorite ways. 
As I lay on my side in full dreamland mode,
 I felt a smoothness tickle my forehead,
 then smoothed all the way around my face. 
I remember thinking "Am I dreaming",
 then I felt my eyelashes being smoothed 
then a soft warm little hand rested on my cheek.
 I'm not sure how long it was there for,
 but when I opened my eyes the most beautiful smiling little face
 was staring at me about 2 inches from my face. 
I actually felt my heart 'heat up' just as it did the first time I ever saw her. 
We stared and smiled at each other for a few seconds,
 until I scooped her up and we spooned until we absolutely had to get out of bed. 
I am so thankful for this lovely little creature, 
she is a true little kindred I will cherish forever. 
Sasha Yvonne you are one lovely little girl.

Love

Marcia